we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
