I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
