this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
