Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
