I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
