I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
