I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
