There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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