me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
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Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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