This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
