so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
