Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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