the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
