Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
