I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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