she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
