This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
