just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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