if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
