opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
