I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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