Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
