after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
