The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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