everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
