My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
