Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
