My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
