I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You smell like stripper and shame
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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