I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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