where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize