so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
