forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
