When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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