Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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