True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The struggles of a small town man whore
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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