Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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