I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
