I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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