i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
