Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
birth control should be required to get into college
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
