im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
