She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
