I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
