She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
