i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
third nipple confirmed
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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