My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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