kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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