Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
