I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
