she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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