Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
