remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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