I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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