i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
