please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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