Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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