I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
