we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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